Letting go

I've spent a bit of time in the last few days researching about why I'm having such a hard time letting go of a few things that have happened recently.

No matter what I do or what I say to myself, these events keep replaying in my mind over and over again.  I'll be doing fine and then I'll be standing at the sink doing dishes and before I know it I've gone over the whole thing again.  I think about what people have said, what they've done and what I can do or could have done to prevent it or change it in some way.

Logically, I know that I can't change the way people act.  Even if it's things they are saying about me.  I can't change that.  I can't even change the way they think about me even if it's completely skewed.  The only thing I can do is remember that it is THEIR issue and not mine.  Even if it happens to affect me when I least expect it.  I have to remember that it is what it is.  Things happen for a reason and fate is on my side whether it's crappy at the time or not. 

What I'd really like to do though is stop thinking about it so much.  I've put everything tangible away.  I don't reread things that were written.  And even still, I find myself not only just thinking about it but DREAMING about things that happened, just in a different way...like something in my dream happened as a direct result of this event.  Which is clearly my subconscious letting me know I'm not over it.

I wouldn't say I'm angry about it.  I'm more hurt than anything else.  The person involved was someone I thought was my friend.  Like, good friend.  When other people said to me, "Do you think so and so may have been involved?" I ALWAYS said, "Nooo, why would they do that??  I trust them, we're close, we share a lot!".  Never in a million years did I think they would say the things they said or do the things they did.  I really trusted this person and told them my life story.  They knew virtually everything about me.  And then they turned around and used some of that stuff against me after I trusted them with the information.

Now I find myself questioning EVERYONE.  I wonder who else I have trusted has done something similar...obviously not to the extent that this person has gone but even still.  It's just a little bit harder to trust now.

So for now, I'm working on it.  When I start thinking about it, I try to do something else, redirect my focus on to something positive.

If nothing else came out of all of these events, I have certainly been doing what I can to improve myself as a person, wife and mother.  I don't ever want someone to actually think any of the things that were said are true and I will do whatever I can to prove them all wrong.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm not perfect.  I've made mistakes in the past and I'll absolutely make mistakes in the future.  However, I will do the best I can with what we have.  I will constantly look for ways to be better.  Even in the smallest measure.

And I will remember as well:

"Before you judge me, make sure you're perfect!"

I will not judge others by their actions.  It is what it is and it's their own karma that they will have to deal with one day.

I will forgive (from a far distance!) but not forget.

I will not wish ill on others.

I will not make the same mistakes twice.

I will continue to be who I am, with peace in the knowledge that I am trying to be the best me I can be. 

Even if someone else doesn't think so....that's not on me, that's on them.